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i have a problem

Mon Sep 5, 2016, 8:51 PM

Aries | chaotic good | INTJ-P | insomniac | manic-depressive

I'm such a child, I don't belong in the real world.

name| Amber
gender| demigirl
pronouns| she / her
birthday| 04 / 05
sexuality| demi-androsexual
device| Wacom Intuos small
program| Paint Tool SAI

✔ ; drawing, scary movies, twigs, crying myself to sleep //
// overthinking, worrying, walking outside w/ socks ; ✘

I'm kind of obsessive ?? over things / people, but I also get bored easily. The world is scary & being an adult isn't worth the stress, but ❝ the real treasure is the friends we make along the way. ❞ Que anxiety, what friends? I'm as impulsive as half my status updates show I am; I crave attention, yet fear it at the same time. My diet consists of Monster energy drinks & cereal, with an occasional bagel & coffee from Starbucks. I cry a lot -- though, honestly it just feels good sometimes.

private |alt dA
Kannibalismus |FR
Kannibalismus |gaia
Kannibalizmus |tumblr
Kanniballistic|art tumblr

Skin by SimplySilent

letters meme

Wed Aug 31, 2016, 11:29 AM

// yeah, I don't feel like writing one a day so here they are all at once, woop //

Day One: A Letter to Yourself
Dear me,
    Stop. Just take a fucking second to think things through before you let anxiety get the best of you. Not everyone is talking shit or laughing at you behind your back, I promise. They don't know you, they can't judge you. Just breathe and move on.

Day Two: A Letter to Your Parents
Dear Mom,
    Thank you for everything, and I mean absolutely everything. You mean the world to me and I literally could not have done what I have without you. Thank you for giving me shelter and all the love and support I needed.
Dear Dad,
    I cannot fucking stand being so far away from you all the time, but I feel a little better now that I have a car, and a job for gas money, and I can come visit almost whenever I want. And thank you for giving me a shoulder to cry on every now and then when I needed to vent about things beyond our control.

Day Three: A Letter to Your Best Friend
Dear Iliana,
    HOLY SHIT, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and I'd be a loner throughout high school if not for us talking shit in French class. Thank you for being crazy with me and pushing me to do things I'd normally be afraid to do and continuously believing in me. You're one of the things that has kept me alive the past few years.

Dear galacticspaceray,
    You goddamn meme, I love you too and you know I'd never say it unless I meant it; yeah, you're on that level. The things I'd give to finally see you in person and just hang out and be complete idiots together. Also, thank you for being my go-to when I'm feeling shitty and vent the stupid things on my mind. P.S. my fictional husbands also love Twig's car.

Day Four: A Letter to a Secret Person
Dear secret person,
    I wish you had headphones because I'm getting pretty tired of all the screamo during work, but at the same time it amuses me greatly.

Day Five: A Letter to Your Crush/Partner
Dear Twig,

Day Six: A Letter to Someone Who Needs Support
Dear anyone who needs it,
    You're doing great. The universe and I believe in you. Keep your chin up, love. When life gives you lemons, give them to me. I love lemons.

Day Seven: A Letter to a Stranger
Dear Jeep guy,

Day Eight: A Letter to a Relative
Dear cousin Sunni,
    I have no idea what happened or where you went, but I miss you every now and then. I hope you're doing good and life is treating you well. Often times, I wonder if you still listen to Korn.

Day Nine: A Letter to Your Enemy
Dear specific person,
    You're a piece of shit and I'm glad I don't have to see your shitty face or hear your stupid name in conversation anymore. I'd hope you've changed but I wouldn't fucking care.

Day Ten: A Letter to a Deceased Person
Dear Pop Pop,
    Anytime I'm ordering food at a restaurant and I hear "super salad" I just sit and smile. It's the little things. I miss you often, but always remember you're in a better place with the people who love you and that's exactly where you'd want to be.

Day Eleven: A Letter to a Game Character
Dear Rafe Adler,
    You fuckin' rich brat with your slick hair and your stupid beautiful eyes. You died in the shittiest way, like what the fuck-- TWO STEPS, you could've taken TWO FUCKING STEPS. But nope, ugh, whatever. Hot ass bitch, I love you.

Day Twelve: A Letter to Your Favourite OC
Dear Chess ( Evertooth ),
    You're adorably horror-esque and it's amazing, and I love your teeth; YOUR SMILE.
[ hhh, all your babs are amazing, but I couldn't stop staring at Crooked Chess ; v; ]

Dear Moh ( galacticspaceray )
    //screams// you little shit, stop making me have feels. >:c

Day Thirteen: A Letter for The Past
Dear past me,
    It's no use crying over spilled milk, but you shoulda worn your fucking retainer.

Day Fourteen: A Letter for The Future
Dear future me, 
    STOP BEING SO ANXIOUS. JUST TALK TO HIM. JUST TALK -- nO, WAIT. Just relax. The most important thing is to do your best. That's all you need. Whatever's gonna happen will happen. It'd be really boring if everything always went the way you expected. Those little conversations in your head may pass the time, but that's about it. Relax, and go with the flow.

Day Fifteen: A Letter to God
Dear God, 
    Are you there?

Day Sixteen: A Letter to Someone You Want to Forgive
Dear me,
    Stop being so hard on yourself, you're not as stupid as you think you are. Just take a moment to figure it out, whatever it may be. You got this.

Day Seventeen: A Letter to Someone You Want to Forget
Dear Kasekuchen,
    Why do I still randomly think about you at times? It bugs me and I don't like it. I don't hate you, like sometimes I say I do, but that doesn't mean the thought of you doesn't make me cringe. Whoops.

Day Eighteen: A Letter to a Lost Friend
Dear Tiff,
    I have no recollection of what happened for us to stop hanging out, other than your smoking ?? I guess that had something to do with it. But I miss you. Sometimes I wish we were closer like in high school, but shit happens I guess. No worries. If I were ever mad at you, it's far beyond my capacity to hold a grudge.

Day Nineteen: A Letter to Your Dreams
Dear dreams,
    Where the fuck did you go?

Day Twenty: A Letter to Life
Dear life,
    It's been quite a ride. I'd like to take a breather after this goddamn corkscrew, thanks.

Day Twenty-One: A Letter to Death
Dear Death,
    I'll have pickle chips ready when you need me.

Day Twenty-Two: A Letter to Someone Who Inspires You
Dear Markiplier,
    Thank you for indirectly believing in me, you nerd. Thank you for also indirectly keeping me alive; you've helped more than you'd ever know.

Day Twenty-Three: A Letter to Someone You Love
Dear Handsome Jack,
    Fuck you.

Day Twenty-Four: A Letter to Someone You Hate
Dear Handsome Jack,
    Fuck you, still.

Day Twenty-Five: A Letter of Something You Never Got To Say
Dear heart,
    You're fucking stupid. Stop this shit.

Day Twenty six: Something you never wanted to write
Dear -----,
    I'm so sorry.

Skin by SimplySilent
  • Listening to: Wolfenstein TNO OST


Journal Entry: Tue Jun 28, 2016, 11:51 PM

gentle reminder that if I'm not here on dA, I'm probably on one of these:

pls don't hesitate to friend / talk to me; just let me know who you are.


  • Listening to: 8tracks
  • Watching: Markiplier

don't listen to me

Sat Jun 18, 2016, 4:41 PM
Sometimes I'm really in the mood to talk to people, but my social skills are so limited, and my anxiety has me struggling to keep a conversation going that I forfeit altogether believing that no one really wants to talk to me anyway, especially since I don't have anything to say, or it seems like I'm ignoring them. I'm not, I'm just -- lost.

I'm so lost, like I don't know enough about anything to keep a steady conversation, I'm not quick witted enough to keep the interest intact; I'm so boring. All I talk about is fictional characters and how much I think I love them-- or about video games that no one plays anymore.

I'm stuck in this ridiculous loop of throwing myself out there and then scaring myself back inside. I'm so introverted and anti-social, it hurts. It is physically painful to feel so lonely among so many other people. The only thing I can do is listen.

  • Listening to: System of a Down

a list of things

Journal Entry: Mon May 23, 2016, 10:18 PM

updated: Feb 23, 2017

things i've done lately
in no particular order:
  • addicted to Uncharted 4 Survival mode
  • binged Mark's updated playthrough of Subnautica ( again / always )
  • finished Jack's playthrough of Resident Evil 7
  • updated Destiny / found out it's pretty fucking useless for 360 now
  • downloaded the Handsome Collection for PS4
  • made friends
  • the laundry
  • apologized for things beyond my control
things I haven't done lately
in no particular order:
  • cried myself to sleep
  • drawn something worthwhile
  • socialized properly
  • used my Cricut
  • not had feelings for fictional characters
things I have to look forward to
in a particular order:
  • Vegas family reunion first week of March
  • worked a whole year in July
  • METALLICA ( possibly )

things that make me want to die
in no particular order:
  • trying to find a new place to live
  • not having the money to find a new place to live
  • headaches / insomnia / anxiety
  • my fear of abandonment
  • secondhand smoke
  • the fear that my siblings might have to:
    grow up in a dysfunctional family environment like I did
    - choose a parent sooner or later


hastily made tag sheet

Journal Entry: Wed Jan 20, 2016, 7:03 PM

FOR FUTURE REFERENCE. IF YOU EVER DECIDE TO BLOW RIGHT PAST ASKING FOR PERMISSION AND POST MY ART ON ANY SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS, FUCKING TAG/MENTION ME OR SOME SHIT. I WILL SPECIFICALLY MAKE AN ACCOUNT FOR YOU TO TAG/MENTION ME, SO OTHER PEOPLE MAY BE REDIRECTED TO THE ORIGINAL SOURCE OF ART. IT HASN'T HAPPENED VERY OFTEN AND I'M GRATEFUL BUT IT STILL PISSES ME OFF. Below will be a list of social media accounts for you to tag me in if you decide to shit on getting permission from me (we can't all be perfect) and post without asking me first. I don't usually get upset if you happen to post without letting me know because I understand you probably didn't know better (which also lets me know you didn't read anything on my page/about me; which I have now moved to the top so it's the first thing people see). But if you do it so often and never, ever credit me then I have every right to get pissed off and start asking you to take my shit down and go so far as to report you. ALL I ASK IS TO BE CREDITED. NOT THAT HARD TO DO. I'M NOT GETTING MAD, so I'M LETTING YOU ALL KNOW FOR FUTURE REFERENCE.

I don't even care if you decide to follow me or not, but please, please, please, MENTION ME. TAG ME. CREDIT ME. IT'S ALL I ASK. Also let me know if there are other sites you or whoever often post art to, I guess. [ And somewhere at the bottom of your description write "permission not granted" because I will most likely never give out permission to repost my art anymore. ] 


  • Listening to: The Dear Hunter
  • Watching: Markiplier

things to consider

Journal Entry: Fri Oct 23, 2015, 12:04 AM

1. I am a deity: de·i·ty
ˈ    dēədē,ˈdāədē/
  1. a god or goddess (in a polytheistic religion).
    synonyms: god, goddess, divine being, supreme being, divinity, immortal
    • divine status, quality, or nature.
    • the creator and supreme being (in a monotheistic religion such as Christianity).
!* Yes, that's me the egotistical Kannibal. u vu

Terms I could possibly associate with, though not specifically; my faves being **

- A non-binary identity, meaning a combination, blending, or in-between point between two genders (usually between male and female). Androgynes may or may not present androgynously, and may or may not experience multiple genders. // Androgyny/Androgynous can be defined in many ways; typically it is associated as a presentation of an ambiguous gender, or the feeling of being between “male” and “female”.

: A gender that is partly female and partly non-binary. // A gender experience which is composed partially of feeling female and partially of some other sort of gender experience. // Can refer to someone who was assigned female at birth who feels only the slightest association with "female". However they don’t feel enough disassociation to result in physical discomfort/dysphoria. 
    //[Tomboy: A woman, usually a young girl, who behaves or dresses in a traditionally masculine or boyish way. // Occasionally used as a non-binary gender or presentation.]

: A person who is romantically attracted to a member of the opposite sex and/or gender.

: attracted to males, men, and/or masculinity.

: those who do not experience primary sexual attraction but may experience secondary sexual attraction after a close emotional connection has already formed. // Someone who does not feel sexual attraction until they have a strong emotional attraction to someone.

: an individual who does not experience romantic attraction until after a close emotional bond has been formed. People who refer to themselves as demiromantic may choose to further specify the gender(s) of those they are attracted to (e.g. demi-heteroromantic).

Also; !!
  • Sexual identities and romantic orientations are not linked and therefore a person could be asexual, aromantic, neither, or both asexual and aromantic.
  • Squish is a term used to identify aromantic crushes; the desire for a non-romantic/platonic relationship with another person.
-- [ For those who can't be bothered to try and understand what all this means, I'll humor you:
    Female: a gender identity used to describe someone who identifies as a woman // a person with a specific set of sexual anatomy (e.g., 46, XX phenotype, vagina, ovaries, uterus, breasts, higher levels of estrogen) pursuant to this label.
    Heterosexual: a person who is attracted to someone with the other gender (or, literally, biological sex) than they have; often referred to as “straight” // A sexual attraction to the “opposing” sex/gender. Typically this means a female/women attracted to male/men, and vice versa.]

Wow, I spent a really long ass time on this
  && also, here's a list of phobias for no reason other than a quiet interest.


  • Listening to: 8tracks playlists
  • Watching: Generation War
  • Playing: TFTBL

squads / au's / headcanons

Journal Entry: Sun Sep 27, 2015, 11:37 PM

  !!the Salty / (Chris) Protection / Trash Squad constists currently of: XENDRAENYX, galacticspaceray, Epic-sketches, and yours horribly. *!!
  Currently Protecting: NATHAN DRAKE / Elena / Sam, Chris / Josh / Ash, Timothy / Rhys / Vaughn / Loaderbot / Gortys, Sebastian / Joseph, Elliot, Benjamin, and Ahkmenrah.
( ffs, omg precious cinnamon rolls, the lot of them )
  Additionally protecting: the babs of Easy Company // Sledge, Snafu, Burgie // Friedhelm, Wilhelm, & Bartel 
( because I watch WWII shows //shot )

  !!* the Murder / Death Squad consists currently of: Kagemaru, Drake, and Jacky. (omfg, they're all respective couch memes.)

   • Elliot being happy and drinking vanilla lattes
   // having movie night with Angela
   // hanging out at FSociety with Darlene
   // playing arcade and video games
   // taking care of Flipper and Qwerty

   • Elliot and Benjamin become international hacker bros
   • In turn, FSociety & CLAY are working together
   • Elliot hacks KCPD and sends Sebastian and Jojo to investigate the
   "happenings" in Blackwood Pines. Wendi!Josh is not amused.
   • Box with wheels
   • Four (4) Nathan husbandos who can't bake for shit.
   • Rafe is so soft, pls pet his hair,
   • Rafe: heart is lost, if found pls return to me.
   • Sam actually stopped smoking ?? holy shit
   • Rhys installing AIJack into Timothy so Jack can have his likeness again.
   Bonus points for having his original face.
 Timothy, having absolutely none of that shit, deletes AIJack.
• Rhys.EXE in which AIJack hijacks, not only Rhys's cybernetics, but his mind as well and
   goes on a killing spree on Pandora, becoming a well-known criminal; there's no turning back.
   "Witness me, Jack!"
   • Chris and Josh in Heelys
   • Josh stealing all of Chris's shit but later returning them with an additional candy bar
   • Chris being real bad at remembering names and calling Josh every other  
   'J' name in the book until it turns into a joke
   • Chris and Josh walking down the hall in middle school as Ash already hit puberty so Chris is starstruck 
   as Josh jokes "do she got da booty?" and she heard / turned around as she & Chris are both 
   blushing hella hard and then they start hanging out cause reasons
   • Josh noticing Ash & Chris getting closer and decides to take them (and the others)
   to the lodge on the mountain and so begins the annual winter getaway
   • Josh accidentally asking Chris out as a ruse to get him to date Ashley
   in which Josh learns Chris is ace, hence why he never got with Ash
   • Chris ordering pizza for Wendi!Josh who in turn eats the pizza man instead
   • Chris scolding Wendi!Josh for eating people he finds annoying
   "You can't just eat people you don't like, Josh." 
   "Tell that to Hannibal Lecter, bitch."

   • Wendibros before wendihoes
   • Wendi!Chris being really picky about eating flesh
   • Wendi!Josh throwing flesh at Wendi!Chris

   //wendijerky pile: pizza man, flamethrower guy, Joseph lmao
   • Ahkmenrah doesn't have insides or something hence why he never eats, etc.
   • Anubis either:
   1. being completely bewildered by the fact that Ahkmenrah is still alive
   2. being furiously upset that he fucked up the embalming somehow
   3. wondering how Ahkmenrah is functioning without proper organs
   • Ahkmenrah ordering Anubis around despite him being a god of sorts

   • Chris dragging Josh to the museum to study for whatever Egyptian class they started on a whim
   • Ahkmenrah subtly looking for a cure for Wendi!Josh because why not
   oh my god au's and hc's yes pls

I've been having stran̼g͚e̤̥͙̙ d̜re̺a̼̯̜͖̘ͅm̡͕͇͍ś̪̞̜̮̹ ͔ͅl͕̗͚àt̠̰͎̬̠̹e̛̩̭l̸͓̠̩̠y̭͓̰̰̫̠͚.͚̲̜̙̱̥

  • Listening to: 8tracks playlists
  • Watching: Mr. Robot
  • Playing: TFTBL


Sat Sep 19, 2015, 10:07 PM
e; thought I'd bring this back rather than making several journal about the same shit I tell you guys all the time. Sorry I go through this like every week, and I hate excuses. So just ... idk, you don't even have to read this if you haven't already.

I don't wanna disappoint but like, what can I say, other than I'm super depressed and I see a lot of my friends online are depressed, too, and it pains me to think that I can't help them ... or even myself. And then I feel selfish for making a post about me like 'I'm sad, everyone pay attention to me.' That's not it at all; I just want you to know that I'm not always the excitable person I tend to be in the comments, I'm only that way because I like talking to you guys and you do make me happy, but it only lasts for so long before I have to get back to reality and my home and ... it's not the same here.

You guys don't see it. On the outside-- or, I mean, online I'm the ... what? Quirky little artist who's hyperfocused on fictional men and procrastination? But in reality, the real me, who few have come to know ( because I'm so paranoid and extremely anti-social ), I'm just a scared little shit who's afraid of the world so I hide from it, and ignore all my problems until they leave me alone for the time being. I push people away when I get mad at myself because I don't understand or know how to control my emotions. I second guess myself to hell and back. I don't believe my feelings are valid most of the time because I don't know why I do the things I do, and I'm afraid others will see it as an excuse to avoid things that make me uncomfortable, like social interactions. I can hardly make eye contact and that makes me feel even worse because it's often perceived as me just being rude. But who am I to feel sorry for myself? And I'm not telling you these things to make you feel sorry for me, either. I just want you to know that I'm not what you think I am, I'm not as amazing as you make me out to be. I'm just ... I'm just--
I'm just tired. I just want things to be okay. I just want to be happy for once. I don't want to feel alone anymore.

I wish people would talk to me.
I wish I could talk to people.
I wish I didn't shut people out.
I wish I wasn't such an asshole.
  I'm sorry.
I just--


  • Watching: Mr. Robot

super important things

Journal Entry: Sun Aug 16, 2015, 3:54 PM

just gonna put these here ...

That one lie we all believe..."If I had more talent, more popularity or more followers, I would be happier"
If I got a dollar for every time I've heard somebody say that, I would probably be a millionaire right now. And in all honesty, hearing things like that irk me, knowing how untrue they are.
From early on in life we we get to hear this lie. Be a good kid, get good grades in school, enroll into a prestigious university and get a proper job at some big company.... that'll pave your way to happiness. Life (in the western world, at least) has never been more equal in the opportunity's we get, yet the rates of people suffering from depression and anxiety has never been so high. Why? Because happiness isn't in the things we posses. It's in our mind.
Let's say you wake up one day in your own success story. You're madly talented and have a million followers.
Do you think that would magically wipe away those self conscious thoughts you've had for years? Do you think it would silence that voice in your head that
Tips on HOW TO BE A BETTER ARTIST.Sometimes I get a notes from you guys asking about tips to draw better. It's okay to ask if you're prepared to get respond that does not resolve all your problems ♥ Many of you ask about techniques, specific things to make your drawing work or just anatomy. I'm not at a place when I can teach you any of this. I'm still at my artistic journey and I'll be in it for the rest of my life. But I can still share with you some experience that I gained while travelling with my drawing. So here they are 8 core points to improve.
1. Don't try to find your style at first. When your hand isn't warmed up by tons of training and studies you'll only get frustrated. So just draw, regardless of style.
2. Try to understand anatomy. And when I say "try to understand" I mean fill thousands of pages with it. But only one theme at a time. It will be easier. So lets say today you'll be trying to understand an eye, second day work with ears.

the first one felt enlightening, the second one I'd like to put a lot
of emphasis on, and the third is to remind you to just keep going.


  • Listening to: 8tracks playlists
  • Watching: Mark/Jack/etc. collabs
  • Playing: Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel!
  • Eating: nothing
  • Drinking: Pepsi


Journal Entry: Sat Jun 13, 2015, 11:25 PM

**important; if you find my art on any site other than my Deviantart and my Tumblr, it's not me and should more than likely be taken down. PLEASE DO NOT REPOST MY ART, ANYWHERE / EVER. If you want to reblog my art on tumblr and it's not up there, tell me and I'll post it to my art blog so you can reblog it from me, the original owner. DO NOT REPOST MY ART ON INSTGRAM. 

Now, a hastily put together 'About Me'
Kannibalismus; 22 / ♀ / ♈ / west-US

name[s]; Amber, Timber, Kannibal, Kanni, KB
device; HP laptop, Wacom Intuos small
programs; Windows 10, paint tool SAI, FireAlpaca, openCanvas6
inventory; tablet, headphones, windows phone, pens / pencils, sketchbook
watches; Youtube, Lucifer, Suits, Mr. Robot, Supernatural, HBO War // & more
plays; Dead Space, Borderlands, Wolfenstein, Evil Within, Splinter Cell // & more
+baes; holy shit, I really love Handsome Jack and it's not okay.

-ipliers; darkiplier, dreariplier, hallowplier, haunterplier
-septiceyes; darksepticeye, psycho!jack, alt!jack, bingIRL
 !; Those crossed out are no longer ipliers or jse's, they're just regular oc's now. I felt like they didn't necessarily fit in with the YTfc community and were better off in their own universes. May or may not switch a few more.
 * list of O/FC'sdefinitely needs to be updated

more, etc; single, female, April 5, chaotic good, INTJ-P, insomniac, possibly manic-depressive, kinda andro / demi-sexual ; introvert, insecure, shy / anxious, paranoid, antisocial, low self-esteem, crybaby, procrastinator, and a bit sadistic ; mostly Germanic / Irish decent, white af; scoliosis / major surgery, cat scratches, various clumsy scars, no makeup ; ears pierced, no tats, red blonde hair dye ; hoodies, PF Flyers, Dr. Marten's, dark / desaturated colors / not yellow, graphic-t's ; movies / games: horror / dark / psych / thriller / WWII-era ; rock / EDM / soundtracks / dark / heavy music, Metallica ; steak: medium well ; pumpkin pie, Pepsi / Coca-Cola ; lightweight, no smoking, non-religious, cat-lover //
gender / orientationhere's a thing

abominations; sushi, candy corn, caramel, multigrain bread, butter, peanut butter, tomatoes, bbq chips, bbq ribs / wings, Mtn Dew, Dr. Pepper; romance genre, slow internet; those "3-D" cards that make the sound when you scratch 'em //

in short; I've been drawing since I could hold a pencil; walls were a good medium back then. I tend to "obsess" over things/people for a bit, until I find something new to love fiercely, or revive old obsessions. My music range is varied extremely between most kinds of rock/metal and kinds of dubstep, or generally anything I find interesting. I get bored easily and like to change things around every once in a while ( like my page ). //

!other sitesTumblr / Art TumblrGaiaOnlineFlightRising // 8tracksSoundCloud // Picarto ( don't expect any streams from me, my internet won't allow it ), SyndroneOnlineCharahub, Wysp, PaintBerri 
For Tsu you need to copy the link address cause dA blocked the outgoing link ?? lmao
Xbox Live, KIK, Discord: mutuals / close friends only pls. Warning: [/constantly raves about Handsome Jack Rafe Adler.]
Not stating my Instagram but if you find it on your own feel free to follow.
No: Facebook, Twitter, Skype. //

headcanons / au'sideas here

About Me: → !
Don't give up: →   
Meme Stash: → 
- - - - 
// note to self //

the less complicated version of an 'about me': >> i have a problem


so um

Tue Jun 9, 2015, 9:35 PM
i just spent the past 3 or 4 hours sifting through journal skins just to give myself something to do, and this one is really neat and super simple in terms of editing. if i had any time at all, i would love to have started coding and things. css has always interested me (even html sometimes ) but i've never really had the time to make something like a journal skin or whatever. the most i've ever done is pretty up a few posts on Gaia and that was honestly one of my favorite pastimes when i was still rp'ing, even still. sometimes i wanna go back and try rp's again but i feel so inferior in terms of writing, so i stick to testing forums in Gaia. anyway, off topic. still feeling like shit but at least i have something to keep me entertained while i procrastinate my life entirely, i suppose. uh, i hope you're all doing better than me at the moment. hope you all find and/or keep the motivation you need to finish whatever it is you're working on, whether it's art, writing, or school. in the meantime, i'm going to do my best to sit my ass down and just draw, no matter what comes out, just keep drawing. it's gotta get better eventually, right?

list of oc's maybe?

Journal Entry: Mon Apr 27, 2015, 1:20 PM

e2; got rid of a few. still one or two [ for sale ].
e; this really needs another update.
I really need to make ref sheets for all these peeps.
Here's goes--

` ones you've seen probably:
Vora ; ( finally but not totally. )
**Meichal; sold
**Kobin; sold
**Riley ;technically belongs to XENDRAENYX now.
    don't know what the fuck's goin' on so he's up for grabs again.

**Brenden; sold

` Ipliers and Septiceyes:
Darkiplier [Dark] ( My original Darkiplier )
Darkarooney [Roo] ( My original Antiseptic )
BingIRL [Micro] ( because GoogleIRL wasn't enough. )
Haunterplier [Gheist] ( that's a play on words. ; v; )
Rocky & Rhodey ( //evil snickering )
--- these guys aren't in the fandom anymore / they're too personal to me.
Jacky Vice 
Toten still on the fence about him, tbh; he looks the most like Mark, imo

` Still unnamed / not official OC's for some reason:
this psychopath who's been in my head for a while now
this chic; I have a new look for her.
** the cute as hell sugar skull demon; sold
fight lady
these guys who are related to the
Jabberwocky but I don't like that pic
so here's this one sometimes he does this??

` ones you probably haven't seen:
Deidrich, Friedrich and Heidrich are all Nazi zombies cause that was a thing.
Urban the Spetsnaz, omf technically my first OC before I knew what OC's were --
I drew him everywhere.
Ronni is Jaxton's sister, haven't drawn her, yet

I don't have all of my drawings with me so I can't really
look to see if I've missed anyone, ah.
omf, if any of you have a Gaia, I have soooooo many other avatars
that I don't think count as OC's but still think they're cool.

I've been having stran̼g͚e̤̥͙̙ d̜re̺a̼̯̜͖̘ͅm̡͕͇͍ś̪̞̜̮̹ ͔ͅl͕̗͚àt̠̰͎̬̠̹e̛̩̭l̸͓̠̩̠y̭͓̰̰̫̠͚.͚̲̜̙̱̥

  • Listening to: 8tracks
  • Watching: Jacksepticeye
  • Drinking: Coca Cola


Fri Apr 24, 2015, 5:45 PM

e; I'm not "leaving" permanently ... I'd never do that even if I think about it constantly, it's not something I'd have the nerve to go through; I'm also afraid I wouldn't be successful and having to go on from there seems pretty frightening. I understand too well that it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, I just wish that depression was actually temporary. Even so, thank you everyone for all your kind words and your concern for someone you've never actually met. It really does have an impact. Faith in humanity almost restored. Hope you guys can forgive my outrage. //; -;

I erased it all ... I couldn't bare to look at it, but the comments ...

  • Listening to: Slipknot
  • Reading: Paper Towns


Journal Entry: Thu Mar 12, 2015, 4:48 PM

Felt the need to share this. 

ooc. art and age ( rly important )i also posted this on tumblr, but this especially needs to be said here-
should never be a concern together. people can draw and do whatever, no matter their age.
i couldn’t help but notice that people are really concerned about how old artists are nowadays, because they make some sort of connection between age and skill. apparently, people think that when you’re a certain age, you should be at a certain point when it comes to your art, skill-wise. …that is about the most dumb bullshit jive-turkey i’ve ever heard.
it’s got older artists getting upset when they see younger artists who are even better than them- which is totally understandable. but age isn’t anything when it comes to art. if anything, when i see an artist who’s younger than me that draws even better, it motivates me to work even harder and get better. same with older ones that are better than me! it really depends on how long you’ve been drawing. i’ve been drawing sin

If you're 5+ years younger than me & you're a fantastically better artist than I am; 
I am so proud of you and all the hard work you've done to get to that point. 
If you're 5+ years older than me & you're an incredibly better artist than I am; 
I am so proud of you and all the hard work you've done to get to that point. 
If you around the same age as me, give or take a year+, & you're an amazingly 
better artist than I am; I'm so proud of you & all the hard work 
you've done to get to that point.

Regardless of how good ( or not good ) of an artist you think you are, just 
take a moment to realize that you made something that no one else did. 
You created that piece all on your own, & that's something to be proud of 
no matter what.

Keep practicing, drawing, writing, and arting all the things!


  • Listening to: iHeart radio
  • Reading: Darkiplier fanfics
  • Watching: Markiplier
  • Drinking: MORE SODA; I'm gonna die early